When Life Doesn’t Go As Planned

I have to admit–earlier this week, I was seriously thinking about quitting the blog thing.  I’m just not happy with my numbers–no non-spam comments, small number of views, etc.  The problem with that is that I’m not in the habit of quitting things easily.  I never have been.  Well some things.  Some things I quit pretty easily–like dieting.  Exercising.  Okay scratch that, maybe I quit about half of the things in my life, but that’s not the point.

Getting something started is even more difficult than keeping it going, though.  There are always those excuses running through my head: “I can’t, because I don’t have time.  I don’t have the money.  I don’t have the energy.  I’m not smart enough, beautiful enough…”  The list could go on forever.  You get the gist.

I can’t tell you how many times I thought I should just give up Thirty-One, because I don’t have the sales I want.  Heck sometimes I want to quit parenting.  (Who doesn’t?)

At the end of the day, the best laid plans don’t always work out.  For instance, I lay out my schedule all nice and neat at the beginning of the week, but here I am on Thursday evening, and I haven’t put much work into my blog, I haven’t booked nearly enough parties or talked enough about recruiting.  I haven’t done enough work for the church, and I haven’t done my filing.  Or the ironing.  Or finishing the laundry in general.

But that’s because I have two kids with ear infections.  And one got bitten by the dog yesterday when she shut him in our teeny tiny bathroom (who wouldn’t be claustrophobic in there with the door closed???)…so one thing leads to another, and I’ve lost countless hours of time that I could have been doing “more important things”.

Instead, I was a parent.  I sat with my little girl in the Emergency Room, stroked her hair, cleaned her wounds, gave her medicine, researched earache remedies (again), took temperatures, and got up in the middle of the night to snuggle.

So I suppose at the end of the day, it’s okay that I missed out on my business opportunities, my clean house, etc.  Because I got to spend some much-needed time with my kids.  There are so many more children out there who need that.

Book Review: The New Strong-Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson

Cover of New Strong-Willed ChildI must say that I enjoyed this book, The New Strong-Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson, much more than I enjoyed the last book I read.

While many seem to side against corporal punishment these days, Dobson does not.  He does this by providing research to support his position.  While unfortunately some individuals take corporal punishment to the extreme by punishing in anger and sometimes progressing to abuse, Dobson stresses that corporal punishment is not to be taken lightly.  The proper way to do so is by applying one smack on the rear end using a neutral object (not in anger but in order to discipline), followed by an explanation of what the child has done wrong and reassurance that the child is loved.

Dobson also does not recommend this as the only way of discipline.  He stresses that all children are different and that what may work for one child may not work with others.  I have already discovered this in my own household.  (For instance, time outs do not work for Tinkerbell.)

Not only does Dobson provide support for young strong-willed children, but he expands as far as adolescence as well.  (And if you’re the parent of a teenager, as am I, we need all of the help we can get!)

And of course, he also admits that there are some children that just need additional help, such as counseling or medication.  And I agree.  Not all behavioral problems are sociological in nature; brain chemistry and genetics must be taken into consideration for severely troubled children.

Dobson provides validated research for each position he presents, providing a sound biblical and psychological position on how to handle these strong-willed children.  I just finished this book last week so I have not been able to fully apply these measures, but I will be working on them.  Hopefully we will be able to figure out how to handle our own strong-willed child, Tinkerbell, before she gets to that wild adolescent stage.  😉

Book Review: “The Myth of the Perfect Mother” by Carla Barnhill

Cover of The Myth of the Perfect MotherSo, about 3 1/2 years or so ago…I started reading this book called The Myth of the Perfect Mother: Rethinking the Spirituality of Women by Carla Barnhill.  I finished it today, and I had such an opinion about it that I just had to share.  And maybe I’ll continue to share other opinions in the future.

So this book.  I got a few chapters into it and decided I hated it.  Actually, I read the first couple of pages and disagreed with her opinions but figured it might get better later.  And then a few chapters later…decided it wouldn’t rectify itself.  But I’m a reader.  And I’m not a quitter.  If I start a book, I have to finish it.  Prince Charming said I should just not finish it.  But I had to.

Okay, so first of all, as I stated before we believe in corporal punishment.  Disagreement #1: Barnhill does not.  No big deal, right?

Disagreement #2: Within the first couple of chapters, Barnhill implies that being a stay-at-home mom will never be a truly fulfilling job and that we can not truly devote ourselves to God’s work by fully devoting ourselves to our children.  When I started reading this book, I worked full time.  And I wanted so badly to be a stay-at-home mother.  That’s all I’ve ever felt that I was made to do.  I was made–I was built to be a stay-at-home mom.  I have no doubt in my mind that God’s purpose for me was to raise my children to be wonderful Christian adults.  Isn’t raising a child in the way (s)he should go doing God’s work?  Don’t tell me that my staying home is not fulfilling.  It is.

Barnhill goes on to imply that churches should not have “mom’s” groups–that they should have all-encompassing groups.  Yes, this is fine.  This is wonderful.  We had a women’s group at our church at one time–for single women, old women, young women, married women, mothers, etc.  But moms need that connection with other moms sometimes.  Mentorship.  A place to vent.  It’s not just a playdate.  Not just a gripe session.  I long for a mom’s group.

She continues by complaining that churches don’t involve women who are single or women who do not have children.  Or even women in general.  I don’t know what church she went to, but they weren’t truly doing God’s work.  At least three of our most dedicated members are widows.  Two of our regular members/volunteers are single–neither of them have children.  And we all are friends.  There are more active women in our church than men.

She also states that parents discipline their child only to gain control over them and not for the benefit of the child.

She says, “While much of what is written about Christian parenting is gilded in a coating of ‘this is what’s best for your children,’ it still seems clear to me that the emphasis on obedience (teach your children to obey so they will know how to obey God), authoritarian discipline (children need to behave in order to learn respect for God’s rules), and parental control (you are the parent, so what you say goes) is not really about children at all.”

It is this kind of viewpoint that has led the children of today to be obnoxious, disrespectful, and rude.  Children should be taught to obey.  How on earth will they survive the real world not knowing how to obey the rules?  Sometimes rules are made to protect the child.  Should the child not be made to obey them?

Rapunzel once told me she wanted to move out so that she could have her own rules.  I responded, “What about crossing the street?  Shouldn’t we have rules about crossing the street so you don’t get hurt?  What about washing your hands?  We have rules about washing your hands so you won’t get sick.”  She replied, “Yes, those rules are okay.”

In this case, even the child recognizes how rules protect her.  So how are other rules for safety and raising a polite, kind, and fine young adults unnecessary?  Yes, sometimes authoritarian discipline crosses the line.  I know a parent or two that smother their child’s growth with this parenting style.  But essentially, a relatively authoritarian parenting style is necessary.  I am the parent.  I have life experiences.  I have reasons why I want my child to obey. And my child should respect my decisions.  Can they disagree?  Sure.  But that won’t necessarily change my opinion.  Can they argue with me?  No.  I am the adult, and they need to respect my judgment.

And in some cases, compromise is okay.  For instance, today Tinkerbell didn’t want to wear shoes when we went out.  Well, it’s cold outside but we let her outside without her shoes.  Guess what?  Her poor little toes were cold.  I sure hope she learned some sort of lesson.  And if Rapunzel wants to wear some sort of strange and unmatching outfit to school, go for it (as long as it’s within school guidelines).  At least she can express herself.  The same goes for Cinderella’s hair.  If she wants to dye it blue, sure, go for it.  She’s expressing herself.  Now maybe she won’t do it again, because it kind of turned green and faded…but now she’s learned something new.

(As a side note, I wanted to come up with an example for Wendy, but couldn’t.  Cinderella commented: “Wendy’s the good one in the family.”)

So overall, I would definitely not recommend this book.  But at least I can say I finished it.  And now I can move on to the next one.

Discipline for the Young School-Aged Child

Since Rapunzel’s been in kindergarten, she’s had a bit of an attitude.  Age 4 was difficult, but 5 was okay until we got to the elementary school.  I feared that to be true before we sent her.  Rapunzel attended a Christian preschool, so her entry into the “real world” brought in a host of influences that I would have rather avoided.

Nevertheless, we had to come up with a new discipline plan for this age.  I was not yet involved with Cinderella and Wendy when they were that age, and I never babysat long-term for any children between the ages of 4 and 6.  Our family strongly believes in corporal punishment, but there comes a time when a) it is unnecessary or b) it just isn’t very effective.  Of course, it depends on the child.

What we did with Rapunzel is give her 5 “strikes” per day.  If she had a perfect day, she would be able to retrieve a toy from the “Ransom Box” (This is a box I keep underneath my bed.  When I find things on the floor at the end of the day, they go in this box).  If she is in need of discipline, she receives strikes in this order:

1) No TV
2) No games on Mommy’s phone
3) No computer
4) Loss of whatever fun activity she would have done that day
5) Go to bed 5 minutes early

#5 tends to extend itself some days.  Essentially, each time she ignores me or does something she knows she isn’t supposed to, she’ll get an additional 5 minutes added to her time.  If she is having a particularly difficult day, she can earn up to an hour of early bedtime.  Anything beyond that moves into the next day.

Additionally, if Rapunzel feels like taking her good old time at bedtime, whatever the amount of minutes she goes over her time gets moved to the next day.

If her “crime” is especially terrible, she is given a spanking.

This weekend, Rapunzel was grounded, using up strikes 1, 2, 3, and 4, so we were left with only 5 each day.  She was a little frustrated the first day, as she had to go to bed 45 minutes early and missed story time.  Tuesday was slightly better; she only had to go to bed 40 minutes early.  Yesterday, she was assigned 25 minutes.  Today, she is starting with 10 but she has yet to accumulate any additional minutes.  We’ll see how the rest of the evening goes.

Obviously punishments for children always need to be evaluated for the “crime” committed and for the child, as all children are differently.  But if your child is anything like mine, I hope this works for you!